Polyvagal 101: Why You Fight, Flight, Freeze or Fawn

If you’ve ever snapped at someone without meaning to, stayed quiet when your mind was racing, or said yes just to avoid tension, you’re not alone. These moments often leave us wondering why we feel so strange in our own skin, especially around others. The truth is, many of our strongest reactions aren’t chosen. They’re protective. They’re signs our nervous system is trying to keep us safe, even when it doesn’t seem to make much sense.

This is where polyvagal theory comes in. It explains the built-in ways our brains and bodies respond when we sense danger, even if that danger is just emotional discomfort. As the end of the year approaches in Singapore and festive season plans begin to fill calendars, old tension can resurface. Family gatherings can feel heavy. Expectations can weigh us down. And for many of us, December doesn’t feel joyful, but stressful.

Understanding the fight, flight, freeze, and fawn responses can bring you back to yourself. It can help you realise that you're not broken. You're just wired for survival.

Understanding Your Survival Responses: Fight, Flight, Freeze or Fawn

Our nervous system reacts fast, faster than thought. When it senses threat, even subtle ones, it doesn't wait for approval. It takes over. That’s why being ghosted can feel like physical pain, or why a disagreement might send us into panic.

Here’s how our survival responses often show up in daily life:

• Fight – Lashing out, raising your voice when you're feeling cornered or unheard

• Flight – Quickly exiting a conversation, avoiding conflict at all costs

• Freeze – Going blank in the middle of an argument or forgetting what you wanted to say

• Fawn – Agreeing when you don’t want to, over-apologising, or downplaying your needs to keep things calm

None of these responses mean you’re weak or unstable. They're automatic reactions shaped over time, especially from repeated stress or trauma. People who grew up feeling unsafe, emotionally or physically, can develop stronger, quicker reactions because their bodies were trained to expect danger. It’s not about who you are; it’s about what you’ve been through.

How the Polyvagal Theory Sheds Light on Your Reactions

At the centre of all this is a key player in your body: the vagus nerve. It connects your brain to your lungs, heart, gut, and more. It constantly checks for signs of safety or danger; one look, one tone of voice, one reminder of the past can flip the switch.

Polyvagal theory describes three main states that your nervous system cycles through:

1. Social engagement – You feel safe, calm, and able to connect

2. Sympathetic – Your body prepares for fight or flight

3. Dorsal vagal – You freeze or shut down completely

These states aren’t always dramatic. Sometimes we’re half-engaged, half-defensive. Sometimes we function well on the outside, but inside, we feel braced for impact. People who’ve lived through trauma or long-term stress might get stuck in those fight, flight, or freeze patterns and never realise it.

Recognising which state you're in helps you find a way out. Once you understand the pattern, you can pause before reacting. That pause changes everything.

Fawn: The Hidden Response Many Don’t Notice

Fawning can be the most difficult to recognise because it often looks polite, helpful, or kind. But when you're giving up your own needs just to avoid discomfort, it takes a quiet toll.

This survival response shows up in people who learned early on that peace in the room depended on them. It’s common in those who grew up with unpredictable parents, unresolved conflict, or emotional neglect. To stay safe, they learned to blend in, avoid disagreement, and always be agreeable.

Over time, this can lead to:

• Feeling resentful without knowing why

• Losing touch with your preferences or desires

• Struggling to set boundaries or say no

When you fawn, you're not being fake; you’re trying to stay safe. That deserves compassion, not judgement.

Where EMDR Fits Into Calming the Nervous System

EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitisation and Reprocessing) works by helping the brain process distressing experiences that haven’t been fully healed. These experiences often get stuck in our nervous system. They live as body memories, triggered by people, places, or even certain words.

On the service pages of Staying Sane 101, EMDR is highlighted as a gentle approach that can release stuck pain from the past, making it especially useful for those who don’t want to revisit every traumatic detail. This method is suitable for adults, adolescents, and even children. Support is provided to individuals who struggle with trauma, relationship difficulties, anxiety, and the lingering effects of domestic abuse.

EMDR supports trauma recovery by using something called bilateral stimulation. This involves movement or sound going from left to right, side to side. While it may sound simple, this movement helps activate parts of the brain that are otherwise quiet during distress. It gives the brain a second chance to finish what was never processed.

For those of us stuck in fight, flight, freeze, or fawn, EMDR can bring relief in a way that feels respectful. It isn’t about talking through everything. It’s about letting your brain and body finally catch up with each other. And over time, that allows shifts that feel quieter but more lasting, like calmly saying no, standing your ground, or recognising that your feelings are valid.

Building Safety and Reclaiming Your Self

None of us were taught this in school. Most of us never saw it modelled at home either. But learning how your body reacts, and why, can be a turning point.

Safety isn't something you build with big gestures. It starts with small actions, like noticing when your heart races, naming what you feel, or choosing to sit with discomfort rather than avoid it. Understanding the impact of trauma doesn’t excuse harmful behaviour, but it does explain emotional reactions that don’t line up with present-day logic.

You are not too much. You are not weak. You are human, and your body is doing its best with the tools it was given.

The good news is that with specialised support, you can help your body unlearn patterns linked to trauma, anxiety, or low self-worth. At Staying Sane 101, we guide clients one step at a time, focusing on patient, trauma-informed care. Many people in Singapore have found that small, consistent moments of safety during and between sessions, can steadily shift how you relate to yourself and others.

Ready to Take a Step Towards Change?

Old emotional patterns can linger, especially when the holidays highlight feelings your nervous system struggles to settle. At Staying Sane 101, we know these reactions are real and believe your body’s experiences deserve genuine attention. If you're curious about how EMDR can support you to build a greater sense of safety again in Singapore, we're here to help whenever you feel ready to send us a message.