PARENTING STRUGGLES
You can love your child deeply and still lose parts of yourself in becoming a parent.
Becoming a parent changes far more than your routine.
Suddenly there is someone whose well-being matters so much that your own needs can begin to feel secondary.
You think about whether the baby is sleeping.
Eating.
Developing.
Happy.
Safe.
Meeting milestones.
And somewhere along the way, you may stop asking:
How am I doing?
You may become so focused on being a mother or father that there is less room left for being yourself — or for being somebody's spouse.
Counselling can help parents make sense of guilt, postnatal depression, identity changes, relationship strain and the enormous pressure of trying to get parenthood “right.”
THE PRESSURE TO BE A GOOD PARENT
Parenthood has a remarkable ability to make almost every choice feel guilty.
You work.
You feel guilty that you are not with your child.
You stay home.
You worry you are losing yourself.
You want a night away.
You feel guilty for wanting a break.
You lose your patience.
You replay it for hours.
You give your child a screen because you desperately need twenty minutes to yourself.
Then you judge yourself for doing it.
There always seems to be another version of the “better parent” you could have been.
Social media, parenting advice, family expectations and our own childhood experiences can create an impossible standard.
Be patient.
Be emotionally available.
Cook properly.
Stimulate development.
Limit screens.
Maintain your career.
Maintain your marriage.
Keep the house functioning.
And somehow enjoy every minute of it.
No human being can consistently meet that standard.
GUILT VS RESPONSIBILITY
Guilt can help us repair. Too much guilt can make parenting harder.
Healthy guilt says:
“I shouted. I don't like how I handled that. I want to repair it.”
Shame says:
“I shouted. I am a terrible mother.”
or:
“A good father would never feel this frustrated.”
Once the problem becomes your entire identity, it becomes much harder to think clearly.
Good parenting does not require never getting it wrong. It requires being able to notice, repair and try again.
WHEN YOU DO NOT RECOGNISE YOURSELF
Before you became someone's parent, you were somebody else too.
You were a partner.
A friend.
A professional.
A daughter or son.
Someone with interests.
Someone with time.
Someone with a body that belonged primarily to you.
Then parenthood arrives and one role becomes enormous.
For some people, that role becomes so dominant that the rest of the self becomes quieter.
The question:
“Who am I?”
gradually becomes:
“What does my child need?”
There is nothing wrong with parenthood becoming important. The difficulty is when it becomes the only identity you are allowed to have.
YOU ARE STILL A PERSON
Taking care of yourself is not taking something away from your child.
Parents often treat their own needs as optional.
Sleep can wait.
Exercise can wait.
Friendships can wait.
Therapy can wait.
Sex can wait.
Rest can wait.
The relationship can wait.
Everything becomes:
“After the baby is older.”
But years can pass like this.
A parent is still a human being with limits, needs, relationships and a nervous system.
Caring for yourself is not evidence that you are less devoted to your child.
Sometimes it is what allows you to remain emotionally available to them.
WHEN BEING A PARENT REPLACES BEING A SPOUSE
You can become excellent co-parents and slowly stop being partners.
Before children, the relationship may have had:
conversation,
affection,
shared interests,
sex,
spontaneity,
private jokes,
time alone.
Then parenting takes over.
Now the conversations are:
“Did she eat?”
“What time is his appointment?”
“Can you buy more diapers?”
“Who's doing bedtime?”
The couple is still functioning.
But the relationship has become almost entirely operational.
You remember how to run the family. You forget how to be with each other.
WE OFTEN PARENT FROM OUR OWN CHILDHOOD
The child in front of you can awaken the child you once were.
If you grew up being criticised, you may swear never to criticise your child.
If your parents were permissive, you may become very strict.
If achievement earned love in your family, you may find yourself anxiously monitoring your child's performance.
If you felt neglected, your child's independence may be unexpectedly painful.
Parenting often brings unresolved experiences back into the room.